I wish I had made The Drill’N Man up, but I didn’t. However, I did embellish a bit on the paper’s Nine Ways To Beat The Cold.
The ad above, though, I didn’t embellish much.
I only had a couple questions:
1. What’s a “man lift”? Is that some kind of cosmetic surgery procedure that I really don’t want to know about?
2. What’s a mananger? I couldn’t find it when I looked it up at Merriam-Webster. I got this message. Maybe it’s an East Bumf***ian expression? I guess.
I’m not going to repeat the advice offered to the gas drilling men as it was written word-for-word in the edition of The Drill’N Man I picked up recently, as much as I’m going to highlight the list that was given there and add my own interpretations…or leave to your own interpretations, as the case may be.
1. EAT! Calories = heat. If that’s true, then why is this hot dog eating contest in July?!!!? Hmmm.
2. Hydrate.
Don’t forget “a bathing suit is not required or recommended.” Consult reference to Drill’N Dolls and appropriate music in first post.
3. Layer up.
No, not lather up, but “layer” up. Again consult reference to Drill’N Dolls in first post, although if you want to lather up your entire body before you “layer” up (and who knows maybe you could lather up and layer up too?) that probably wouldn’t hurt after you’ve been out in the field all day.
4. Feet cold? Cover your head.
Even one of these
will do, just don’t use when lathering up (see last sentence).
5. Use hand warmers in strange places. “…They also go well in your boots or any other place you might want to freeze.” Uh huh, you don’t need to do a double take, you read that right.
Cue appropriate music.
6. Happy Feet = Happy Worker “…A fresh pair of socks will make you feel like a new man.” So will a visit from one of the Drill’N Dolls, who I’m told by a reliable source have a fetish for feet.
Or be distracted from the cold by watching a movie about cold weather animals set to annoying music:
7. Don’t turn up the heat. Bottom line is that you have to adjust to the cold…go stock shelves in a convenience store cooler or better yet, do like these dudes:
8. Peet your Feet. “A simple dryer (called a Peet) will warm your equipment and your boots will last longer, too.” In case, you missed it, feet are important in warming the cockles of your heart and “your equipment.” See previous comment about Drill’N Dolls and feet fetish. Who knew? Kinky.
Speaking of Peet and kinky:
Appropriate music again.
9. Start Dry To Stay Dry. …although I must say if you start with one of these:
you’re probably not going to stay dry for long.
Tomorrow: Part III in the Drill’N Man series with a special ad.
Last week while at a local restaurant, I saw this on the counter as I went to pay for my check:
“This mag was put together for the work’N men in the area, drill’n for oil/gas. The Drill’N Man is not writing about wine tasting on the Fingers Lakes. It was not written for anyone here on vacation. This paper was written for you roughnecking, hard-nosed men, who came here to work hard and make money to support your family.”
reads a letter from the creative director of the only publication for the men in the gas fields of PA/NY.
Yeah, you Joe Roughnecks are welcome here, he wants you to know on behalf of the good people here in this part of Pennsyltucky and the Southern Tier.
And what do we have to offer?
Besides this fine piece of newsprint here, well…
…like this little (well, at least the photo is little) lady here, who can deliver the paper to you personally:
“The Dolls are fun and friendly ladies who deliver The Drill’N Man to your workplace, hotels and night spots for your convenience. Rather than leave these things out for anyone to pick them up, we want to make sure that you working men get what was written for you.”
Uh huh. You read that right.
Personal delivery. Cue the music.
The text beside the Drill’N Doll photo is…how do I say it? hmmm…strategically placed, with “rather than leave these things out” right next to the breasts of the doll and “we want to make sure what you working men get what” is also just below said breasts.
Part II of The Drill’N Man tomorrow, with “Nine Ways To Beat The Cold.” I can’t spill all this gas in one go.
That’s what The Drill’N Doll wishes The Drill’N Man had said. Cue the music one more time, this time from comedian Pablo Francisco, which I couldn’t resist sharing.
Posted in Unfinished rambling
Tagged advertising, humor, natural gas drilling, newspapers
Yes, our local video store is offering FREE KIDS (See store for details, mentioned twice, in case you missed it the first time). My wife and I don’t have kids, but I don’t know if we’d pick them up there. Every time I’ve been to this particular store, the DVDs have been scratched and we had to take them back. Can you imagine what they’d do to kids? I don’t want to think about it.
However, my sister said if it saves her the trouble of labor, she’d go for it. To each his or, in this case, her own, I guess.
Author’s Note: Had to add this thought-provoking question I received on Facebook from Ron Wells, author of the blogs Life, Love, Death and Other Unforgivable Distractions and Laundered Scuzzymoney, about this post (which originally “aired” on my Tumblr blog): “Do you think they’d take trade-in kids for credit on a person’s next rental?” Feel free to add your own comment that trumps my post. 
This is what I saw at the bottom of my Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups package the other day…
…in case I needed a reminder to pick up an empty-calorie candy.
Isn’t it bad enough that I’m being “reminded” by Facebook to connect with people with whom I really don’t want to reconnect?
Now this?
Even candy is getting pushy?
What if other products were like that?
Or worse, what if they, the ubiquitous “They,” whoever “They” are, had audio programmed in products when you were finished with them?
After you finished off that case of beer you just bought (because that’s how you roll, you always had the redneck in you, didn’t you know? Well, now you do, you can thank me later), a voice tells you:
“I am not the last bottle of beer in this case of beer.”
You: “Whoa. You’re not? That’s cool, man.”
“I am a reminder to get more.”
You: “Thanks. I need more. After this case of light beer, I’m not drunk off my ass as I want to be.”
“Don’t be sad.”
You: “I won’t be, thanks to you. Thanks, I love you, man.”
“No, I love you.”
You: “I love you more…” before you toss talking bottle into a proper recycling receptacle…
…and don’t forget, you have to keep ‘em separated.
